Grace is an ocean

You know what really grinds my gears?

Brownies. 

I mean, not really. I like brownies. I'm more-so mad about the fact that I just ate a brownie and HATED myself for it. 

Well, okay, I had more than just a brownie. I also had some ice cream for dessert.. and pizza for dinner.. and then popcorn as a late night-snack.. so OKAY fine, guys, my eating habits are terrible sometimes! But what's worse is the way I treat myself because of that. 

After I eat something unhealthy, a little voice pops in my head saying, "you don't need this," or "this will put you back, you'll gain weight for sure," or even "get a hold of yourself, Brooke, you're a sloppy mess." 

It's safe to say I'm not treating myself the way I should. 

It's just difficult at times. I mean, I admit, I have a curve to my stomach, I'm unsatisfied with the shape of my calves, and the weight on my body, and honestly, I have nobody to blame but myself. 

Yes, I know there are so many other women in this world who think the same (maybe even worse) thoughts as I do. But I really can't sit here and blame society for it. Why? Because we ARE society! And if we keep blaming other people, nothing will change. I think the girls that struggle with the same thoughts that I do need to take ownership and admit, "I am not kind to myself," better yet, admit to God, "I am not kind to myself." 

I was talking to my counselor about this a while back, how I struggle with my appearance, and can't seem to love myself and accept how I look, and she gave me some really great advice. 

Just let it be. (Which is something I talked about in a previous post.) 

But really, she helped me realized that I've been worrying about a completely superficial thing. Like honestly though, WHO CARES??? I think my face is too round. WHO CARES??? I don't like the fat on my arms. WHOOO CARESSSS?????

No really, who does care? 

God does. 

One thing my counselor told me to do is be real with God. The first step was to admit to Him what you were struggling with. She told me to say something like, "God, you have given me this temple and I do not like it." 

Woah. 

How freeing is that? That you can just release your worries onto the Lord and he allows you to sink into His grace and stay there a while. In no way do you need to carry any burden yourself.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

And the second bit of advice she gave me (well, it was more like a question) was "Why do you struggle with this?"
And it caused me to think, "Why do I?" and as I was reflecting, I realized, when I eat food, it's because I turn to it for comfort, because I don't love myself enough to be content, because I need an outside source that I can control in my life when things go wrong.

My word am I a mess, guys.

But, what's cool is that God allows me to be a mess. He welcomes my brokenness with open arms. He accepts me for who I am and what I am going through.

2 Corintheans 12: 9 (continued) "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

It's okay to not be okay!

And this is definitely a process for me. I was happy with where I was at with my walk with God, but then summer came along, and I went back home, and my worries started to pop up out of thin air, welcoming me back like an old friend. Let's just say this was one friend I was not happy to see. 

I don't really care for it.. 

But, it's cool that God is more than willing to help me, or us, for that matter. That no problem is too small or too big for Him to handle. That He loves us no matter what we throw at Him. 

So sink into His grace for a while, and while you're at it, give some grace to yourself. 

aaanndd if you have some free time, here is a song about grace :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3anotgP5MJI

Great Expectations

Have you ever seen the show "The Office"?

I sincerely hope so because, if not, these next few paragraphs are going to go straight over your head.

The Office is one of my favorite comedy t.v. shows. It works on so many levels and I'm a huge fan of dry humor.. but all of that is besides the point. I just want to take a moment to discuss Jim and Pam's relationship.

So, Jim and Pam were like the PERFECT couple for seasons 4-8. They were the epitome of relationship goals, but they started out pretty rocky. For instance, Pam was engaged to another guy, who buy the way was so mean to her!, and Jim had this great big crush on her. Then Jim kissed Pam, and Pam told Jim she was still going to marry Roy (her fiance), then Jim transferred to another branch (oh yeah, this all takes place in an office) and Pam called off the wedding, and then Jim came BACK to Scranton (the town that the office takes place in) but he came with  a girlfriend! so Pam has this crush on Jim, Jim has a girlfriend.. and the roles are completely reversed. then some other stuff happens.. yada yada yada.. and Jim breaks it off with his girlfriend and asks Pam out for a date. that's how the relationship started. PHEW! ain't that crazy!

Anyways, their relationship is great for about 4 seasons. They are written to be two madly in love individuals. But then, for the last season, one of the writers from season 1 (and 2.. I think) comes back to help write the final season, and he makes Pam and Jim have issues. They end up in marriage counseling and end up going through some pretty hard stuff..

Needless to say, I was disappointed. I mean, Pam and Jim's potential demise in their marriage was great for ratings, but I wanted the power couple to stay happy forever. And then I realized how I truly felt about the show. In the first few seasons, I was heartbroken for them because they couldn't seem to get things right, and the writers did a really good job of showing their feelings! Honestly, I may have teared up every single time Jim and Pam were on the screen. Then, once they got together, I was overjoyed (albeit, kind of bored because the show lost some tension there) over their relationship.. and then they started fighting, and I was disappointed (also sad) again because I just wanted them to have their happy ever after!

Life is a lot like that, isn't it? You go through a season where you are overjoyed and completely happy and have every aspect of your life figured out, then you go through a dry season where everything falls apart and you have no clue what to do, and then you'll hit a stretching season where you are both overjoyed and depressed and just know that you need to push through whatever you're doing.. and the cycle repeats itself, in no particular order, with some other seasons mixed in. It's exhausting.

Right now, I'm in a tough, stretching season. I am currently working two jobs, plus an internship. I worry about money more than I would like to admit. My heart is constantly breaking for the people around me who haven't found Jesus yet, and for the one's who have and get hated for it and I feel like I'm just now learning how to pray, for all of these things. The worst thing that has been on my heart for a while now is friendships.

I value relationships on this earth more than anything. People influence my everyday life more than I would like to admit..and lately.. I've been getting my own heart broken by the people I am closest to.

It's such a disappointing this because growing up, I expected to have these amazing friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world, and yet, here I am, feeling hurt by something someone has said, or by a gesture someone has done,, or hasn't done for that matter. And for a while, I was lost, asking God, "Why? Why are you taking away my relationships?"

It took a while for me to officially hear His voice, but eventually He told me it's because He is the best friend/father/brother/mentor that I could have.

See, I've been putting my friends and family on a pedestal, expecting them to be perfect. To always ask me how I'm feeling, to show me that they care about me. But the fact of the matter is, they don't owe that to me. They don't owe anything to me.

Isaiah 2:22 says, "Stop trusting other people to save you. Do not think too highly of them; they are only humans who have not stopped breathing yet."

This world isn't perfect, and neither are the people that live in it. We don't belong here. This isn't our home.

Yes, we'll be faced with so many disappointments in our lives, but those will also be followed by incredible victories all because we are created by an ever-loving God. A God who loves us so much more in a moment than anyone could in a lifetime. A God who wants what's best for us. A God who is our best friend.

I hope that comforts you :)