Grace is an ocean

You know what really grinds my gears?

Brownies. 

I mean, not really. I like brownies. I'm more-so mad about the fact that I just ate a brownie and HATED myself for it. 

Well, okay, I had more than just a brownie. I also had some ice cream for dessert.. and pizza for dinner.. and then popcorn as a late night-snack.. so OKAY fine, guys, my eating habits are terrible sometimes! But what's worse is the way I treat myself because of that. 

After I eat something unhealthy, a little voice pops in my head saying, "you don't need this," or "this will put you back, you'll gain weight for sure," or even "get a hold of yourself, Brooke, you're a sloppy mess." 

It's safe to say I'm not treating myself the way I should. 

It's just difficult at times. I mean, I admit, I have a curve to my stomach, I'm unsatisfied with the shape of my calves, and the weight on my body, and honestly, I have nobody to blame but myself. 

Yes, I know there are so many other women in this world who think the same (maybe even worse) thoughts as I do. But I really can't sit here and blame society for it. Why? Because we ARE society! And if we keep blaming other people, nothing will change. I think the girls that struggle with the same thoughts that I do need to take ownership and admit, "I am not kind to myself," better yet, admit to God, "I am not kind to myself." 

I was talking to my counselor about this a while back, how I struggle with my appearance, and can't seem to love myself and accept how I look, and she gave me some really great advice. 

Just let it be. (Which is something I talked about in a previous post.) 

But really, she helped me realized that I've been worrying about a completely superficial thing. Like honestly though, WHO CARES??? I think my face is too round. WHO CARES??? I don't like the fat on my arms. WHOOO CARESSSS?????

No really, who does care? 

God does. 

One thing my counselor told me to do is be real with God. The first step was to admit to Him what you were struggling with. She told me to say something like, "God, you have given me this temple and I do not like it." 

Woah. 

How freeing is that? That you can just release your worries onto the Lord and he allows you to sink into His grace and stay there a while. In no way do you need to carry any burden yourself.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

And the second bit of advice she gave me (well, it was more like a question) was "Why do you struggle with this?"
And it caused me to think, "Why do I?" and as I was reflecting, I realized, when I eat food, it's because I turn to it for comfort, because I don't love myself enough to be content, because I need an outside source that I can control in my life when things go wrong.

My word am I a mess, guys.

But, what's cool is that God allows me to be a mess. He welcomes my brokenness with open arms. He accepts me for who I am and what I am going through.

2 Corintheans 12: 9 (continued) "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

It's okay to not be okay!

And this is definitely a process for me. I was happy with where I was at with my walk with God, but then summer came along, and I went back home, and my worries started to pop up out of thin air, welcoming me back like an old friend. Let's just say this was one friend I was not happy to see. 

I don't really care for it.. 

But, it's cool that God is more than willing to help me, or us, for that matter. That no problem is too small or too big for Him to handle. That He loves us no matter what we throw at Him. 

So sink into His grace for a while, and while you're at it, give some grace to yourself. 

aaanndd if you have some free time, here is a song about grace :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3anotgP5MJI

Great Expectations

Have you ever seen the show "The Office"?

I sincerely hope so because, if not, these next few paragraphs are going to go straight over your head.

The Office is one of my favorite comedy t.v. shows. It works on so many levels and I'm a huge fan of dry humor.. but all of that is besides the point. I just want to take a moment to discuss Jim and Pam's relationship.

So, Jim and Pam were like the PERFECT couple for seasons 4-8. They were the epitome of relationship goals, but they started out pretty rocky. For instance, Pam was engaged to another guy, who buy the way was so mean to her!, and Jim had this great big crush on her. Then Jim kissed Pam, and Pam told Jim she was still going to marry Roy (her fiance), then Jim transferred to another branch (oh yeah, this all takes place in an office) and Pam called off the wedding, and then Jim came BACK to Scranton (the town that the office takes place in) but he came with  a girlfriend! so Pam has this crush on Jim, Jim has a girlfriend.. and the roles are completely reversed. then some other stuff happens.. yada yada yada.. and Jim breaks it off with his girlfriend and asks Pam out for a date. that's how the relationship started. PHEW! ain't that crazy!

Anyways, their relationship is great for about 4 seasons. They are written to be two madly in love individuals. But then, for the last season, one of the writers from season 1 (and 2.. I think) comes back to help write the final season, and he makes Pam and Jim have issues. They end up in marriage counseling and end up going through some pretty hard stuff..

Needless to say, I was disappointed. I mean, Pam and Jim's potential demise in their marriage was great for ratings, but I wanted the power couple to stay happy forever. And then I realized how I truly felt about the show. In the first few seasons, I was heartbroken for them because they couldn't seem to get things right, and the writers did a really good job of showing their feelings! Honestly, I may have teared up every single time Jim and Pam were on the screen. Then, once they got together, I was overjoyed (albeit, kind of bored because the show lost some tension there) over their relationship.. and then they started fighting, and I was disappointed (also sad) again because I just wanted them to have their happy ever after!

Life is a lot like that, isn't it? You go through a season where you are overjoyed and completely happy and have every aspect of your life figured out, then you go through a dry season where everything falls apart and you have no clue what to do, and then you'll hit a stretching season where you are both overjoyed and depressed and just know that you need to push through whatever you're doing.. and the cycle repeats itself, in no particular order, with some other seasons mixed in. It's exhausting.

Right now, I'm in a tough, stretching season. I am currently working two jobs, plus an internship. I worry about money more than I would like to admit. My heart is constantly breaking for the people around me who haven't found Jesus yet, and for the one's who have and get hated for it and I feel like I'm just now learning how to pray, for all of these things. The worst thing that has been on my heart for a while now is friendships.

I value relationships on this earth more than anything. People influence my everyday life more than I would like to admit..and lately.. I've been getting my own heart broken by the people I am closest to.

It's such a disappointing this because growing up, I expected to have these amazing friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world, and yet, here I am, feeling hurt by something someone has said, or by a gesture someone has done,, or hasn't done for that matter. And for a while, I was lost, asking God, "Why? Why are you taking away my relationships?"

It took a while for me to officially hear His voice, but eventually He told me it's because He is the best friend/father/brother/mentor that I could have.

See, I've been putting my friends and family on a pedestal, expecting them to be perfect. To always ask me how I'm feeling, to show me that they care about me. But the fact of the matter is, they don't owe that to me. They don't owe anything to me.

Isaiah 2:22 says, "Stop trusting other people to save you. Do not think too highly of them; they are only humans who have not stopped breathing yet."

This world isn't perfect, and neither are the people that live in it. We don't belong here. This isn't our home.

Yes, we'll be faced with so many disappointments in our lives, but those will also be followed by incredible victories all because we are created by an ever-loving God. A God who loves us so much more in a moment than anyone could in a lifetime. A God who wants what's best for us. A God who is our best friend.

I hope that comforts you :)

Going Home

My mind craves a stability

That hasn’t quite been established

Into this reality.

My soul wants some recognition

That no human can bear to

Take upon the task.

I need some help to get a hold on my life,

Because I can’t go at this alone.

I want to spend time with the all-knowing You.

I want to be reminded of the time I first heard Your voice,

And the first time I felt Your love.

I was only a child, sitting softly in a church pew

When I realized You were who I wanted to dedicate my whole entire being to.

A day with You is better than

A million without,

But this day has still been daunting.

Oh, please come down to earth,

And comfort me as I rest my

Tired head, and rack my restless brain

For any possible answers to the question

That manages to escape my breath for every moment that passes by: why?

Why can’t I just lie here with You until my heart no longer beats and my eyes no longer see?

Please, hold me in Your loving grasp

And treat me like the child that I am.

Kiss my forehead and give me that

Unseen, only imaginable smile that I’ve

Been waiting a lifetime to see,

So that I may close my eyes and finally

Feel the love that I believe I was

Born to feel.

Listen to my hopes and dreams,

My brokenness and struggles.

Feel the heartbeat that you created from Your loving, sculpting hands.

And I long to be with You,

Because you see what is unseen.

You hear my pain, and get me more than I get myself.

I want to be with You.

Just love me like You do.

Let it be

I want to set the mood for this post before I begin.

Grab some headphones, plug them into your computer. Find the song "Let it Be" by The Beatles (if you have heard of them, idk? they're not that popular..) and give it a listen. Or just find some relaxing music, christian music could work too, if you prefer.

Now, find a quiet place to sit, and grab a piece of paper and a pen.

Write down every thing you are stressed/worried/upset about. Every single thing you can think of!
For example, mine would look like this:

"It's finals week, and I want to do my best
Some of my friends seem like they don't really care about me
I HATE that I have acne (imperfections)
I'm getting really sick and tired of struggling with depression."

The list goes on.

Now, say out loud (or in your head if you're in a public place) all of the things on your list to God.
For example, I would say:

"God, I am really stressed out about these finals, I feel like I have to do my best on these or I won't make you, or myself proud. I also feel like my friends aren't there for me, like they don't care what I say or do. And I don't appreciate this body you have given me, or the imperfections on my face. And God, I have depression! I don't like it!"

Just admit everything you're struggling with to God.

Now, you know what you're going to do next?

Just let it be.
That's right. Let it all be.

Just relax!! Take some time for yourself to sit in the presence your God. He holds so much truth and love for you. Tell Him how you feel, tell Him about your day, rest in His presence! Let Him take care of your problems, Let Him take the load off of your shoulders. Let it be!


1 Peter 5:7 "Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you."
Psalm 62:5 "Yes, my soul, find rest in God: my hope comes from Him."
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."


(Also, here are some words of encouragement from my dear friends, The Beatles).
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be

God Bless.

Agape

I just want to feel loved.

I think that's a normal feeling, I believe most of you can identify with that same feeling, right? I mean, everyone wants to be wanted at some point. It's human to have a desire for love, I believe.

But what happens when you don't feel love? What do you do when you don't feel accepted?

I honestly break down a little bit. When I don't feel appreciated, I get the urge to cry (sometimes I actually do, no shame), and I allow myself to get fed up with all of these lies from the enemy.

 "You're no good, you're worthless, no one could love you."

Obviously hearing those thoughts in your head just brightens your whole day! (Not really though).

Lately, I've been feeling the need to be loved a lot, ironically I haven't been feeling that loved lately..

BUT!! I serve an awesome God who loves to teach and show me things all in the right time!

So, I would like to share with you two things that I've learned about this whole "not feeling loved" experience.

1. God can bless you in your life to teach you lessons, and God can also take away things in your life to teach you lessons.

I was talking to my counselor last Tuesday and she was sharing with me some of her own experiences of when she first started becoming a Christian. At that time, she noticed that God was taking a lot of things away from her, not because she was bad, or that He was punishing her, but because He wanted her to learn a valuable lesson. He is all that you need. You've heard the saying, "if God is all you have, then all you have is all you need," right? Well that's what I'm talking about here. Instead of relying on the world around her, she began to rely on God for everything.

That made me realize that I rely on my friends a lot. I look to them for acceptance, for help, for guidance, and most importantly for love. The thing is, people will disappoint you. Not all of the time, but sometimes they will. I mean, humans are human! We all sin and make mistakes, we all have selfish tendencies. And we can't idolize another person, or expect them to be a perfect friend, because no one can reach perfection and more importantly, no one can take the place of God.

God is so cool because He loves me so well. He's never disappointed me, that's the truth. He's my best friend and my true source of joy. And it took Him to take away some of my friendships for me to realize that.

Job 1:21 says: "..The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

God is my everything, and for that I am eternally blessed.

2. Sometimes God calls struggles upon your life so you can be a blessing to others.

People walk through tough stuff. I mean, I've had so many people speak grace and truth into me and mentor me because they have walked through some of the same things I have. Take my counselor for example, she used to struggle with depression, now she is counseling me and helping me through my struggle.

And in the bible, there is SO MANY stories of people struggling just so they can minister to others.

Jesus is the prime example.In  John 15:18, Jesus says, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." Jesus went through so much, and for that he was able to minister and speak life and truth into others.

Another example in the bible is through Jeremiah. Jeremiah was a preacher. His words were rejected so many times, though. But even though, he still ministered to those who listened, and he grew because of it.

God turns your mess into a message!! He will never bring you through something that he can't take you out of. Every single struggle of yours happens for a reason, a beautiful, life-changing reason. How cool?!

Seriously, I love God. And I love that He loves me (abundantly) too.

I loved the outdoors.

As a kid, some of my best memories came from spending time outside with my family. I remember countless bike rides along the side of the highway by our house, many basketball games played with my two brothers (who, very rarely, let me win), plus the many bonfires, many walks with my dog, and many other enjoyable times spent.

I wish I could say I still spend a majority of my time doing those various activities, but I had to grow up, and go to college, and get a job, and, unfortunately, my available time for outdoor exploring has gotten fairly small.

Now I spend most of my time with friends, or at coffee shops doing homework, or (regretfully) binge-watching a Netflix series, because I am still learning how to budget my time, and it's safe to say that my priorities have changed.

Another thing I remember doing as a kid is praying. I used to pray on those long bike rides with my family, or pray as I was walking my dog, or pray when I got to bed, that my family would be watched over, and protected, and blessed.

I'm glad some things never change.

Even though I changed, and grew up, and walked through many different seasons, I worship a God who is the same always, today, yesterday, and forever. The God who watched over me as a child, who listened to my every prayer and blessed me on every adventure, is the same God who is with me tonight, as I lay in bed and am writing this post.

He'll also be the same God two weeks from now, during finals week. And I know He'll be watching over me as I take my finals (Praise Jesus!), and He'll be great to talk to when I'm stressing out, running low on sleep, and hitting myself for all those nights I spent watching Netflix instead of studying. Who's glad grace is a thing?? Am I right??

Anyways,


It's so comforting to know that He never changes, no matter what.

Misery ain't no mystery.

I have a problem with focusing my brain on any other thing besides relationships, which does not bode well for my college career. Here I am, sitting in Babbs Coffee shop, which by the way is the cutest little thing ever but that's besides the point, and I'm supposed to be working on a 50 point paper on the breakup of Pangaea and the affects that tectonics plate had with the Supercontinent.. but I can't help but let my mind wander..

You know what I'm thinking about? You. Whoever is reading this. I don't know why, but I am. And you don't know anything about me. I mean, I guess you could collect the facts that I'm a college student who believes in God, but that's about it. And I want to develop a relationship with you. So I want to tell you something about myself that not a lot of people know.

My name is Brooke, and last fall I was diagnosed with depression.

Phew. I wrote it. (It was harder to write than I thought, which is weird because statistically speaking about 350 million people have  depression.)

Anyways, yes, I have depression, but depression doesn't have me (too cheesy?).

I was diagnosed with it this past fall, but I feel like I have been struggling with it for about 5 years now. And I'm not going to lie, it sucks. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. But for the ones that don't, I'm gonna get real with you for a little bit.

Depression is decapitating. It's on your mind at all times. It's a sinking feeling you get in your stomach, It's an urge to cry at all times, it's a shame you feel when you do, it's a struggle to get out of bed, and at times, a struggle to live in general. it's a sickness. A mental illness that you as a person have no control over. Scientificaly speaking, Depression deals with your brain. Everyone has highs and lows, they have days when they feel happy, or feel sad. Depression is when you brain's highs aren't that high, and your brain's lows are.. well... low. Okay, obviously I'm not a scientist, but I hope this makes sense. This is why when people are on depression medication (yes I am on medication), the medication just takes your 'lows' and brings them up so they are not so 'low'. I've honestly have had days where I had forgotten to take my medication, and I had felt absolutely terrible, and then I would take it, and miraculously, I would feel better, like a fog has lifted from my mind.


Being diagnosed with depression has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I know some of you are probably confused at this statement, but before this fall, I denied I had it. I refused to go to anyone for help, or even tell anyone that I was having a hard time. I was allowing myself to suffocate by depression's hard, steady grasp.

But, thankfully, I got to the point where I admitted I had a problem and needed help. I still remember the night that I did. I was at all night prayer, and my beautiful, prophetically blessed friend, subtly suggested counseling. I remember thinking, "I don't need that.. and if I did, I definitely don't deserve that.." But God's grace allowed me to accept the idea of counseling into my life, and now I'm seeing a christian counselor.

It was one of the hardest moments of my life, to call up the counseling service and ask for help. But I knew God was there with me, as He is always. Honestly, He is the reason I can get through every day. He is my backbone, and my strength. What's even more beautiful is that God has walked with me through every day of my misery, and this disease has allowed me to draw closer to Him, so yes, it is a blessing in disguise.

So if you're out there, struggling with depression just like I have, I hope it encourages you to know that God sees your struggle, and loves you way too much to let you go through it alone.