I loved the outdoors.

As a kid, some of my best memories came from spending time outside with my family. I remember countless bike rides along the side of the highway by our house, many basketball games played with my two brothers (who, very rarely, let me win), plus the many bonfires, many walks with my dog, and many other enjoyable times spent.

I wish I could say I still spend a majority of my time doing those various activities, but I had to grow up, and go to college, and get a job, and, unfortunately, my available time for outdoor exploring has gotten fairly small.

Now I spend most of my time with friends, or at coffee shops doing homework, or (regretfully) binge-watching a Netflix series, because I am still learning how to budget my time, and it's safe to say that my priorities have changed.

Another thing I remember doing as a kid is praying. I used to pray on those long bike rides with my family, or pray as I was walking my dog, or pray when I got to bed, that my family would be watched over, and protected, and blessed.

I'm glad some things never change.

Even though I changed, and grew up, and walked through many different seasons, I worship a God who is the same always, today, yesterday, and forever. The God who watched over me as a child, who listened to my every prayer and blessed me on every adventure, is the same God who is with me tonight, as I lay in bed and am writing this post.

He'll also be the same God two weeks from now, during finals week. And I know He'll be watching over me as I take my finals (Praise Jesus!), and He'll be great to talk to when I'm stressing out, running low on sleep, and hitting myself for all those nights I spent watching Netflix instead of studying. Who's glad grace is a thing?? Am I right??

Anyways,


It's so comforting to know that He never changes, no matter what.

Misery ain't no mystery.

I have a problem with focusing my brain on any other thing besides relationships, which does not bode well for my college career. Here I am, sitting in Babbs Coffee shop, which by the way is the cutest little thing ever but that's besides the point, and I'm supposed to be working on a 50 point paper on the breakup of Pangaea and the affects that tectonics plate had with the Supercontinent.. but I can't help but let my mind wander..

You know what I'm thinking about? You. Whoever is reading this. I don't know why, but I am. And you don't know anything about me. I mean, I guess you could collect the facts that I'm a college student who believes in God, but that's about it. And I want to develop a relationship with you. So I want to tell you something about myself that not a lot of people know.

My name is Brooke, and last fall I was diagnosed with depression.

Phew. I wrote it. (It was harder to write than I thought, which is weird because statistically speaking about 350 million people have  depression.)

Anyways, yes, I have depression, but depression doesn't have me (too cheesy?).

I was diagnosed with it this past fall, but I feel like I have been struggling with it for about 5 years now. And I'm not going to lie, it sucks. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. But for the ones that don't, I'm gonna get real with you for a little bit.

Depression is decapitating. It's on your mind at all times. It's a sinking feeling you get in your stomach, It's an urge to cry at all times, it's a shame you feel when you do, it's a struggle to get out of bed, and at times, a struggle to live in general. it's a sickness. A mental illness that you as a person have no control over. Scientificaly speaking, Depression deals with your brain. Everyone has highs and lows, they have days when they feel happy, or feel sad. Depression is when you brain's highs aren't that high, and your brain's lows are.. well... low. Okay, obviously I'm not a scientist, but I hope this makes sense. This is why when people are on depression medication (yes I am on medication), the medication just takes your 'lows' and brings them up so they are not so 'low'. I've honestly have had days where I had forgotten to take my medication, and I had felt absolutely terrible, and then I would take it, and miraculously, I would feel better, like a fog has lifted from my mind.


Being diagnosed with depression has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I know some of you are probably confused at this statement, but before this fall, I denied I had it. I refused to go to anyone for help, or even tell anyone that I was having a hard time. I was allowing myself to suffocate by depression's hard, steady grasp.

But, thankfully, I got to the point where I admitted I had a problem and needed help. I still remember the night that I did. I was at all night prayer, and my beautiful, prophetically blessed friend, subtly suggested counseling. I remember thinking, "I don't need that.. and if I did, I definitely don't deserve that.." But God's grace allowed me to accept the idea of counseling into my life, and now I'm seeing a christian counselor.

It was one of the hardest moments of my life, to call up the counseling service and ask for help. But I knew God was there with me, as He is always. Honestly, He is the reason I can get through every day. He is my backbone, and my strength. What's even more beautiful is that God has walked with me through every day of my misery, and this disease has allowed me to draw closer to Him, so yes, it is a blessing in disguise.

So if you're out there, struggling with depression just like I have, I hope it encourages you to know that God sees your struggle, and loves you way too much to let you go through it alone.

Realness

"I want to be real with You, God."

That has been my prayer for about a month now. 

"I want to be real with You. Really really real!"

But for some reason, that realness wouldn't come. And it was the most frustrating thing EVER! Like I want to feel myself with my Father. I want to feel free with Him, I want to be ME with HIM!! And I couldn't..

I would wake up every morning, read my bible, and pray the same prayer. 

"God I thank you for today, I pray you protect me through the day, I pray for my family, my friends that you may bless them today..." and on and on. 

Then at night, I would go to bed and pray the same bedtime prayer. 

"God I thank you for today, I pray for protection through the night, I pray for my family, my friends..." and blah blah blah. And I never felt the way I should when I'm talking to my God. 

The thing is, I was talking to Him, not with Him.

What I learned this week is that God is relational. He desires to develop a relationship with each and every one of us. Yes, He knows our heart and who we are and how we feel, but He wants us to tell Him who we think we are and How we feel at the moment. 

I don't want to be speaking for Him, but I believe God doesn't want routine! At least not in our prayer content. He wants us to be real with Him!

That's why, last night I decided to give that a shot. I told God literally everything on my mind. I spilled about what makes me angry, what brings me joy, what I absolutely can't stand, what I honestly love.. I poured my heart to Him..

and I never felt so free, and honestly, I never felt so me.

Freedom From Your Thoughts

Freedom from your thoughts, is there even such a thing? Your mind is connected to you, obviously, it's kind of a package deal, your body, soul and mind, they all make up who you are. Can you be free from yourself, though?

That's the question that I've been asking myself all day today.

"Can I be free from myself, God? Is it possible?"

I think it is.

Do you ever have those days where you get so wrapped up in your life, that you forget to see the big picture? You have so many stressors going on in the every day that you forget to count your blessings?

That's been my life lately. I pile up so many things in my mind, financial issues, relationship issues, body issues, school issues, until it all circles around my mind, each one screaming "Pay attention to me! Don't forget about me! me me me!" and I can't focus on anything else.

I'm stressed. I don't want to feel trapped inside myself. I don't want to worry about how much rent I'm paying, or the donut I ate earlier, which definitely wasn't healthy, but delicious I may add, or the fact that I have two tests tomorrow and three assignments that need to be done tonight, and it doesn't help that I've been putting some of my work off until the absolute last minute.

What's great about this, though, is that I have a God that is more than happy to help me through all of my problems, who is so powerful that one little plea is all He needs to change your perspective.

"God, grant me freedom from my thoughts."

Instant peace washed over me once I began communicating with Him.

How great is He? Really?

I'm so happy that I can live my whole life, and eventually more, with Him. He is really all I need.

If you're coming here to obtain convicting, Godly advice from a professional about your life, then you'll be greatly disappointed. Because I don't know what I'm doing in my life just as much as you are in yours.
What I do know, however; is that I worship an all-knowing God who guides and blesses me in my every days. Seriously, how awesome is that?
And I'm just here to outwardly process all my struggles, doubts, fears, achievements, blessings, and beautiful, life-altering moments that I experience, and I would love to take you along for the ride.
The world is at large, people, let's experience it today.

With Love,
-Brooke